The Control Trifecta
“trifecta: a perfect group of three; winning three times”
A few weeks ago, I learned something new. It feels important and true, yet not quite solid in my being. My head understands it; my body embraces the truth of it, and still I am staying open to a deeper level of knowing...the kind of knowing that leaves me glowing with it from the inside out.
So, essentially, I bring this to you half-baked. And let's face it, since the only constant thing in our lives is change, everything I offer is half-baked! This time, though, it's still fermenting.
Even as I continue to create the space within me to trust and surrender, I discover layer after layer of my inner control freak. It's remarkably horrifying! And, simultaneously, I find empathy and delight in recognizing and attending to the parts of me who have not yet felt safe enough to do anything other than grasp for control.
Recently, I saw an amazing paper floor. This inspired me to seek out how one might go about doing such a project, because I think my basement floor is screaming out for such warmth. My findings evidenced a kind of floor decoupage - simply ripping and layering glue-soaked paper on the floor, and then covering it with many layers of polyurethane.
Learning about the on-going workings of my inner control freak has been like peeling back the layers of poly, one sheet at a time (as if that were possible). Those first 12 layers are totally see-through, and now I'm getting down to the glue and paper. In this space, the shadings are more subtle and hard to see for what they are, because as a whole, the effect seems quite serviceable. Just as my illusion of control has apparently served me, and in fact, has only ever been my deceptive intelligence at work.
Maybe it would help to define the kind of control I mean. Here are a few examples: when I hold an expectation that something must look or turn out a certain way; when something doesn't turn out the way I plan or wish for, and I have the arrogance to believe that how things turned out is not ultimately for my best good (which is impossible to see clearly in the moment, and requires a lot of trust); when I attempt to manipulate an outcome - without standing in my truth - for my benefit or the benefit of someone else.
Can you relate to any of those? If so, get ready for the bomb of new learning. Each of us does possess an extraordinary control, but not in the way I've been reaching for. The greatest control any of us can exert comes from our power to: love, be compassionate, and forgive - beginning with ourselves. That's it. Any other thought, form, or belief of control is an illusion.
The more love, compassion, and forgiveness we freely offer and share, the greater impact we have. Those three acts shift how the universe spins on its axis.
A couple of notes about these three super-powers:
Love is a gift. It has no price tag, and no barter currency. Our ability to receive and give love freely (it must be both), without "doing" anything, is the true gift of love.
Compassion must always begin with self-compassion, which is defined as allowing yourself to feel your own feelings - free of judgement.
And finally, forgiveness, which does not absolve an offender from responsibility for his or her actions, rather, it frees you from their actions having power over you.
Here's something to try on, if you are interested in actively practicing one of these three winning powers. I believe this came from the book "Radical Forgiveness," by Colin Tipping, but even if I'm misremembering, it's a great book.
Ten times each day, as a free form experience (meaning, don't think about what you're going to write in advance - ask your head to grab a cup of tea while you practice), write this statement:
“I forgive myself for judging myself as/for ____________.”
Fill in the blank with whatever may bubble up for you. As I said, with no forethought. After 10 days of this, you may expand the practice.
“I forgive myself for judging __________ as/for __________.”
In this case, fill in the blank of someone you feel wronged by, and the judgment you've made about them.
With this written, I'm off to practice my trifecta of controlling behaviors!
With love, compassion, and forgiveness,
Joanne Lutz