Ability vs. Meant To Be

When a theme presents itself in my coaching practice, I've learned to ask, "where is this a mirror for me?" Of late, the "should" theme abounds! If you read April's newsletter, you know that I seek to banish "should" from my vocabulary and actions. And yet, up it bubbles.

In truth, I have not yet attuned to how I might be shoulding on myself, and I leave the question open for exploration. In the meantime, I'll share a lesson I've been reminded of, in my work: "Just because you can, doesn't mean you should."

For example, I may have the ability to offer my service for free or do all of the travel planning for my family. I may even possess a special skill that sets me apart from others in my circle, one that could uniquely qualify me for a particular task. Still, having the ability to perform an action does not automatically mean it is mine to take on.

I learned...funny, I was going to say "the hard way," but the truth is, I learned the only way I could take it in...that working with clients who do not personally pay for my service never works. Believe me, I've tried it...um...again, and again.

In my history, I have offered my service as a gift. I have given away countless "free first sessions." I have even worked with many clients who had their coaching paid by another party, whether it's a parent, an employer, a friend, or a sibling. And no matter how many different ways I've skinned this cat, it never works. Not EVER.

Because money is simply a currency of energy exchange, if the person receiving is not also engaged in the giving aspect of the loop, the natural order is disrupted. In turn, the value of the service is lost. The client is likely signing on to caretake whomever pays the bill, rather than investing fully in their own growth. Just because I can give it away, doesn't mean I should, because when I do, I participate in a dis-service to the client. In effect, I give them permission to dismiss their own participation. I know it sounds a little nuts, but it's true to my experience.

As another life reminder, a few months ago my step-son, Joe, asked his Dad if he would give him some money toward a new (used) car. My husband, Mark, really wanted to help his son, and on this point, we were in complete agreement. However, at this stage of his son's life, giving the money didn't actually feel like support - even though we could afford to give it. I perceive Joe as a very capable 26 year old man, a young father, with a respectable job and a good head on his shoulders. While a bit of cash might have been nice, I believe what my husband offered was a far greater gift. Mark told his son, "No, because I believe in you. Giving you the money now, feels like I buy into the idea that you can't do this, and I know you can. I will absolutely support you through the process, and I completely trust you'll do great."

Here's what happened: Joe did receive a down payment gift from his grandfather - just enough to be seed money (vs. the more he had requested from his Dad). Then Mark accompanied Joe to the car dealer to support him through the test drives; connected him with an auto broker, to learn more about the process; and when it came time to actually buy the car, Mark went to the dealership, too. At the dealer, Mark played babysitter to his grandson and negotiation consultant to his son. According to Mark, the evident satisfaction that resulted from Joe negotiating the deal himself, with his own earnings on the line, shone through his face like a beacon. Mark couldn't have been prouder, and most importantly, his son learned that Mark really did (and does) believe in him, and that he could believe in himself in a way he hadn't yet understood.

“Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.”

This isn't always driven by money. In fact, more often than not, money is far from the equation. In both of the examples above, the money was incidental - simply the means of energy in play. Other aspects of ability vs. meant to be include giving someone space to: take a risk, make a mistake, learn something new, and become invested differently. When we step up to the plate because it's easy for us, we sometimes step in front of the person who has been warming up on the sidelines. When you willingly say "no" to that which you could do with a fair amount of ease, you support an open space for someone else to step in. It's true, they may not "do it" the way you would. They may stumble and fall, and that's absolutely okay! Because the only way to learn how to get back up, is to fall first.

So, I'm keeping a keen eye for my opportunities to get out of the way. If it fits, I invite you to do the same.

With love and space for stumbling,
Joanne Lutz