In The Darkness

Last month my beloved, Hazel, celebrated her 18th birthday. If she weren't a cat, she'd be old enough to vote. As a feline element of my family, she actually ranks as the oldest living member. According to the veterinarian, in human years, she'd be 90. Hazel...our old lady.

In recent months, I noticed, rather than being part of the kitty greeting committee, Hazel sleeps right through. Sometimes she'll receive an alert that her people have arrived, but more and more, she snores through our entrance. I also find, her meow is now so loud, it practically shatters the windows!

A couple of weeks before her birthday, I finally put the pieces together. Our aged gal has lost her hearing, and now relies on other senses to navigate her world. It explains her startled reaction when she catches her whippersnapper brothers (half her age) approaching. It makes sense as to why she doesn't respond when we come in the door. And while she may see or feel the windows rattling when she calls out, I don't think she can discern her own volume.

On the whole, Hazel is doing great. She's generally healthy, has a good appetite, still plays occasionally (with dignity, of course), and continues to enjoy her rub downs. But I noticed a strong sense of sadness - in me - when the penny finally dropped. I believe I'm late to catch on, and only now comprehend her inflated reactions to being touched when she can't see who's there; or the moment she becomes aware that a fellow feline is stalking her. How frightening, to lose a primary sensory experience. How sad to no longer be able to hear the people who love you.

In an odd way, I'm experiencing something analogous to Hazel's loss of hearing. Mine, though, relates to my intuition - my ability to attune to the energies that flow in the cosmic waves, including, through me. And I feel sadness about the comings and goings of my means of access.

I remember nearly 25 years ago, when I first attended a workshop, wherein I was asked to play a role in another person's family sculpture. The person placed their hands on me, in an act of "giving me the energy" of the role I was meant to play. No words, just this energetic exchange. I played along, but come on! My mind immediately took over, and I executed the role in the best way my head could manage...until, many roles later, without any effort, my body posture unconsciously changed; my movements slowed or sped up; and things came out of my mouth that I hadn't consciously put there. Holy smokes! It was actually working! I'd allowed myself to receive the energy - for a short window - in the service of another (and inevitably, in simultaneous service of myself).

As a result of overwhelming sensory input in childhood, I'd learned to keep the energetic dam permanently closed. I made no conscious decision about this; I instinctively braced myself against energetic information to survive. My experiences of "knowing" felt dangerous and burdensome as a little girl, so my mind took over - sealing out any information that might connect my mind, body, and heart. Makes sense, right? However, in adulthood, I maintained that disconnection, even when it no longer served me.

I remember being in the presence of various healers, bodyworkers, and therapists, and wondering what magic they were using to know what was happening in me and for me, when I didn't even know myself. How could they do that? And then I experienced the shifting of my own body, through receiving the energy of a role I'd been asked to play, and my mind-body-heart experienced a momentary realignment. A new world of awareness opened up.

I became an "expert" role-player. I took on the energy to such a degree, I would all but disappear into the role. Except, that wasn't actually the goal. Each role was to be worn as clothing, maintaining me inside, and wearing the role as a layer over me - not instead of me.

When my proficiency allowed me to find the balance of being in role, while maintaining myself, a change happened. My function in these workshops shifted, and I was actually banned from playing roles for a while. The idea was to free me up to support others in a different way, but the shift was challenging for me.

By absorbing the energies given, I knew things. My intuitive receptors felt alert and the dam, that had been sealed for so long, opened - then I stopped playing roles. Shit! Back to square one. It was like being in a hotel room, where the power had gone out and the drapes were permanently closed. Being in role, I'd found the stick attached to the drapes within my grasp, and a gentle tug allowed the light in. Without the energy being given to me directly, though, the drapes seemed sewn shut again.

Over time, other means of awareness opened to me. Each occurrence felt uncomfortable in the beginning, and when I finally grasped I need only grab hold of the rod and open the drapes, I was transported to a new hotel room. And there, the drapes were again sealed tightly, until I found the new mode of accessing my intuition.

At this stage, I believe I'm being moved quickly from one blackened room to another, and invited to practice new avenues of attunement. It's disturbingly uncomfortable, and while I am sometimes granted "permission" to use one of my tried and true methods of accessing the universal flow, other times I'm left in the dark to figure out how to acquire the light!

In a way, Hazel's dark room of deafness, forces her to tug open all the drapes in every room available to her. All aspects of her perception appear heightened, in compensation for the hearing loss. She's living from "beginner's mind" - learning the world from a whole new perspective. I feel grateful to have her setting a graceful example for me, because sometimes, I just want to give up and have my known ways back! As my beautiful teacher evidences, that's not always an option, so my creativity, patience, and faith are called upon until I find the means for opening those drapes!

Maybe you know this one? If so, I'm walking the path with you, and encourage you (just as I encourage myself) to practice being in the dark - even when it's uncomfortable. Maybe this relates to your intuition; perhaps it's about how you engage in personal growth; or it could be the way you show up for relationships. Whatever the situation, your willingness to hang out in the dark room, open to the possibility of light (which may end up being a flashlight or candle, instead of sunlight!), has value.

If expanding your intuitive perception is on the table for you, try on and practice new ways of accessing the greatest wisdom available to you (which is pretty much NEVER in your head). Seeking to raise your personal vibration? Expand how you receive help in your personal growth through different practitioners and modalities. And in relationships, allow yourself to NOT be the smartest person in the room. We only have space to learn, when we're showing up with beginner's mind. So, put down your resume of knowledge and the script you've written about what will happen next, strap on your personal courage pack, and see what unfolds!

For me, I wing up a prayer that I (and you, too, should you desire it) find new ways to shed light on our deepest and most potent knowing. Finding the light from the darkness rarely feels easy, but so far, in my experience, it is ALWAYS worth it.

With much love,
Joanne Lutz