An Emotional Affair

About eight years ago, I sat with a colleague, discussing how best to support a client we shared. In this conversation, he talked about her propensity for having "emotional affairs," because it's what she'd seen one of her parents do for many years. In turn, there were challenges in both her home and business life, because (in the words of Iyanla Vanzant) "if you do it anywhere, you do it everywhere."

So, what's an emotional affair? I thought I understood at the time, and were I honest with myself, I was participating in at least three, even as we discussed this client! But, truth be told, I didn't fully get it. Only in hindsight am I able to see the full nature of "emotional infidelity," and realize its impact - particularly on my marriage.

To me, an emotional affair is the sharing of your inner self - your hopes, dreams, fears, emotions of all kinds with a nakedness that creates deep intimacy - with someone other than your partner or with someone else's partner. It is NOT sexual in nature. That's "an affair" in the more traditional sense. In many ways, the emotional affair is far more insidious, because traditional affairs are occasionally based only in "chemistry" or physical attraction, whereas emotional affairs are born of an open, vulnerable heart shared with someone who is not wholely available to you.

If you are in a partnership, an emotional affair depletes the primary relationship of the intimacy juice, because that human need is being fed elsewhere. The vulnerability required to create that intimacy is happening some place other than with your partner. It may be that it's not safe to engage with your partner at this naked level, or it could just be that your fearof getting that naked, is bigger than your courage. The only way to find out, is to dive in, and when we think we see a pool full of ice cubes, we instinctively run for the sauna!

In my case, I depthfully revealed my emotional self to at least one man and two women (one of which was my therapist). So, I had a full complement of options available to me, when I sought an intimacy hit. If one was not available, I'd try another. And, if I felt especially raw, I could use each of them in turn as a balm. What I didn't do - almost never - was turn to my husband, and share my raw vulnerability with him.

The reasons for seeking emotional closeness outside my marriage were both real and imagined. Simply put, I didn't feel safe. In turn, when I hit a snag of any sort, I reached out to one of my liaisons, instead of my husband. "Instead of" is key. In many ways, my husband and I would talk about everything, but truly, he got the processed version. He got the fish that had been plucked out of the ocean, cleaned up, packaged, and put in the cold case at the grocery store. I did not ask him to sit with me as I took the fish off the line, pulled out the bones, or chopped off the head. I offered the cleaned up version, because I was afraid - because I didn't feel safe enough to let him see - because if I invited him in, and he couldn't handle it, or my feelings got hurt, or he just saw what a mess I was...well, at the time, I didn't have tools for handling any of that.

Then, what felt like out of the blue, the universe said, "Yup, you're done with this. Time to level up." And almost simultaneously, all three of my "affairs" blew up. For one reason and another NONE of them were available to me in the way I'd come to know, treasure, and expect. Needless to say, it was a shock to my system!

This left me floating alone in my fear, confusion, grief, and a distinct sensation - both emotional and physical - of being stuck. What was I to do with all of my life challenging tidbits? Who was I supposed to celebrate with when something great happened? Basically, WTF?

In the face of this vast open space of ocean, with no one to help me catch, clean, or package the fish, I sought out new support. This time, though, the boundaries were clear. I got to learn new things, through this process, and in the vacuum created by my absentee "lovers," I extended a hand to my husband in a new way.

I invited him into my messy world, and true, there were moments when he couldn't handle it; times I felt terribly hurt; and I exposed myself in all the rawness that was me. You've probably guessed the result, right?

With practice, I got better at standing in me, with my ever clearer boundaries, and opening to him. Whether he could meet me, was not my business. My new learning was to invite him, to share myself, and to create a self-trust and safety that could hold, even when an emotional whack came my way.

The funny thing is, because of the emotional affairs I'd had, a part of me already knew how to do this. I had some experience with intimacy, and with my new box of tools, could transfer that knowing and practice to my primary relationship.

I bet my husband would be the first to admit, it was a refreshing change, and he had a little work of his own to do to catch up, and actively participate in our relationship in this new way. One of my "emotional affair" trio is still a close friend, but I don't feel that I use her the same way. She is not an antidote to the intimacy I crave, rather, she is another being with whom I share intimacy, in addition to my primary relationship. While I call her to reveal my life experiences and feelings, I don't call her instead of my husband.

After being together for 24 years, my relationship with my spouse is stronger, deeper, and closer than it's ever been. We've both committed to it - to the work of it - to the process of creating intimacy. It's an on-going work, and there are still holes. Still, we seem to want to build the bridges together, allowing us to meet, even in the places that have felt too scary to visit so far.

How does this relate to you? If you are having an emotional affair - WAKE UP! I don't mean you need to change anything. I don't presume to know what you need. I do, though, invite you to recognize that you are engaging in this behavior, and that on some very real levels, you are cheating yourself.

Whether you are: in a relationship with a significant other and find your emotional intimacy elsewhere; or, you are the person with whom someone else's partner has chosen to have an emotional affair, neither leaves room for the relationship you genuinely want. I truly get how scary and insane it may seem to intentionally choose to dive into the ice cube filled pool. Here's the good news, if you've engaged in an emotional affair, you already know how to invite and participate in intimacy. With this awakening, you may choose where you do so that is most in alignment with your soul. May you be gentle with yourself as you walk this path.

With much love,
Joanne Lutz