Fear Appeal
“A “Fear Appeal” is a message designed to elicit fear in an attempt to persuade an individual to pursue some predefined course of action.”
My husband and I recently returned from our first trip to Costa Rica. As we prepared for our holiday, we heard warnings again and again. "You should really be careful; that area (the Caribbean coast) is dangerous; keep a close eye on your belongings for fear of theft; (and my favorite line of all) I've heard of tourists being accosted by machete wielding thieves and because of the extreme poverty, there is quite a lot of drug and human trafficking." That last one arrived in my email two days before we boarded the plane, and I laughed with glee when I read it.
In every case, including the last, each person was genuinely concerned for our welfare. The intention of each tidbit was to put us on our guard, so that we would enjoy our trip. In a way, I suppose it worked. We were certainly more mindful of potential threats than we might have otherwise been. Still, we agreed not to attach to the worry or fear that our dear ones were imparting upon us. Wearing that cloak didn't feel like a good fit. We felt holding onto a fear mindset would draw trouble to us, rather than fending it off! So, while we remained aware, we invested no energy in the fear. (And we had a great time!)
I began pondering the impact of, not just our own fear, but the fear around us. Fear leads to the formation of serious contracts. One says, "I don't want you to feel hurt, sad, scared or angry, so I will share with you my concerns. Then you may do what I believe is best for you, and we will both be spared your hurt...sadness...fear...anger." The recipient picks up the baton and runs with it as a means of connection. "Okay, I'll do this the way you suggest. I'll be afraid the way you want me to be. I'll ignore hurt the way you want me to. I'll smile instead of cry or yell. And then I will have your...love, acceptance, caring...won't I?"
These patterns of behavior are learned as children. If the unconscious belief had a voice, it might say this, "If I do it the way this person (who is really important to me) wants me to, then (s)he will be happy with me. That acceptance insures my survival for another moment/day/week, etc."
What happens, though, when the contract does not yield the result we seek? For a moment, open to the bigger picture. Daily, we receive messages from political parties, fashion magazines, activists, alcohol vendors, and weight management programs playing upon our existing fears or providing new reasons to feel afraid, that hadn't occurred to us before. Each message is a call to action, "Now that you're afraid, we have the answer. Do THIS, and you'll be safe!"
How has that been working out for you? When you answered that Cosmo relationship quiz, did it improve your connection the way you'd intended? The last time you drank that particular brand of alcohol, were you the most interesting man in the room? We've all made decisions at one time or another from a place of fear, whether from a public entity that influences our behavior, or a loved one with whom we contract for acceptance in return. And yet, how often do we get what we sign up for?
In my personal experience, decisions persuaded by fear rarely work out for me. The filter through which I'm seeing the world in that moment is both narrowed and shadowed. However, when I call upon the essential self within, who possesses the ability to find a third option, I uncover my personal truth. Then, a path opens. What I find important to remember is this: fear happens; it's not who I am. The power lies in what I choose to do with it.
If you're curious about the persuasive power of fear, try this for the next couple of weeks. First, notice when some internal or external force strikes a chord of fear in you. Then take a breath. Mindfully bring your attention to sensations the fear generates in your body. Before taking any action or making a decision, give yourself a bit of space to ask this question, "If I weren't afraid, what would I do?" Simply asking the question may call upon your deeper wisdom. You may find your breaths become more regular, your body relaxes a bit, and even if the path ahead is not crystal clear, you have found an internal ground from which to make a choice that fits for you.
With love and third options to spare,
Joanne Lutz