Runaway Arrogance
A couple of months ago, I participated in a weekend workshop in Maryland. A group of 44 women formed a tight seated circle, and just behind me I heard the primary facilitator say, "Ha, there's no place for me to get in." Without a second thought...well, for that matter, without a first thought, I leaned a bit to the right, as my neighbor scooted a bit to the left, effectively creating a path for her to enter.
"What are you two doing? I didn't ask you to move," she said. "I know who I am, and if I want something, I'll ask for it!" And then she asked us to let her in. But...What?
Just a bit later, she shared the notion of doing "the right thing for the wrong reason." I'm not sure I entirely got it at the time, but sitting with this idea, I'm aware of how it fits. I have moments when I can see where something is going, or I have an answer I am sure will help, but the fact is, no one asked me. And even in a coaching session, when the natural contract dictates that I'm there to occasionally offer an answer; more often, my job is to ask a couple of questions and leave some space for discovery. Because, if I always jump to the answer, I am likely doing the right thing for the wrong reason. Then, a few things happen:
My answer may be wrong, which, in itself, is not a problem. But if my client has not yet learned to say, "that doesn't fit for me," I may interject a notion that leads us astray from where the real work resides. Despite knowing that the truth is within them, I do get in the way sometimes. When I do, I strive to remind myself and my clients how much I truly trust them, so that they may learn to trust themselves.
When no space is left for discovery, nothing new can happen. I'm writing this piece, while on a break from leading a retreat in Pennsylvania. Like all retreats I lead, I never know what shape things might take, until the moment of emergence.
In this case, on the drive to PA (with a vehicle full of participants) I spoke this as a guideline: "Practice asking for what you want over the course of this retreat, and do not do anything that has not been asked of you. Leave space for others to ask for what they want." I had no idea that was coming out of my mouth until it was out there, and the collective gasp that filled the car was telling!
Why does this matter? If I don't have the space to ask for what I need, I'll never learn how. And for me to believe that I know what you need, that I know the answer for you (either before you do, or better than you do), is extraordinarily condescending and arrogant. When I leave space for you to ask for what you want and need, I gift you my faith in your ability to know to your mind. With that space comes the possibility for something new! And when I don't actually have that faith, I borrow it. I lend myself the trust that I'm going to be okay, even if you get hurt, or feel left out, or experience not having a need met. Through this trust in myself, I am empowered to gift you space to discover for yourself; while simultaneously knowing, I'm going to be okay, without attempting to control the outcome.
3) Another aspect of doing the right thing for the wrong reason: attempting to prove that I'm right, kind, smart, good, or worthy. I steal power by evidencing that I'm "in the know," and that protects me from being vulnerable. Okay, it doesn't actually protect me from anything, but that's the illusion. It's like the person who figures out the film plot, and shouts out to the theater in the middle of the screening, "Oh, I get it; he's dead." True, everyone will know you're brilliant, but they will also resent your arrogance that prevented them from experiencing the unfolding for themselves.
I invite you to take a peek at your own runaway arrogance. Admittedly, you may be shocked and horrified to realize what you've been up to, and still, you may forgive yourself and engage in shifting the behavior. Perhaps be curious about how this pattern is serving you now. Are you willing to entertain the possibility of gifting both yourself and others a bit more freedom from you being right? If not, get yourself the T-shirt and call it what it is! At least you'll be honest, and that has value, even if your position is unpopular.
Whether any of this resonates with you or not, consider the practice of asking for what you want and need. Not how you want and need it, simply asking, and surrendering to a response that you have no control over, and may yield greater results than you expect.
Asking for what you want and need requires courage, because vulnerability is inherent in the asking. Knowing that someone can say "no" means taking that risk, and trusting that you will be safe, even in the discomfort. Know this: I believe in you, and I am willing to gift you space to practice.
With love and compassion,
Joanne Lutz