Ugly Duckling
“Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
A while back, a friend (who, for the purposes of this newsletter, asked to be referred to as Aquaman) sent me this video via Facebook. He thought it might be of use as a #FeelSomethingFriday video. Instead, it sparked a bigger conversation.
"Aquaman" kept referring to the birds as ducks. When I pointed out they were swans, he was about to make some wise-ass comment, but first Googled ducks and swans. It was only then, after over a half century on earth, that he realized these were two different species.
He wrote, "I thought a swan was a girl duck."
I responded, "OMG - didn't you ever read 'The Ugly Duckling?' I think you may need to!"
"That's where it gets confusing! Doesn't the ugly duckling become a beautiful swan? How does a duck become a swan?" he asked.
I explained. "Oh dear...the whole point of the story, my friend, is that the swan was ALWAYS a swan. It compared itself with ducks, because that's who it lived with (can't remember why). And it was made fun of, because it was so "ugly" compared with the duck babies. Then, when it grew up, it realized, it was never a duck. It had always been a swan, and it was beautiful. It's a pretty powerful lesson, don't you think?"
Aquaman shared: "Wow! I never got that point of the story. Ha! I always thought the duck became a swan. You've found the root of my confusion...It's so funny. I always thought that there was some magic that happened that changed this ugly duck into something beautiful. And I always wondered how I could get that magic, and why it wasn't for me... I felt sad...Wow-Pretty powerful."
I agreed, powerful indeed! But, a misinterpretation of this classic fable must be an anomaly, right? That evening, my husband and I were scheduled to have dinner with friends. On Friday afternoon, the drive to Dracut never clocks in at less than an hour. During the ride, I asked Mark about his synopsis of The Ugly Duckling. He said he didn't remember it well, except it was basically the children's equivalent of some duck getting voted off the island, because he was ostracized by his family. Wait, what?!
Once seated for our meal, I asked our friends what they remembered of the story. One said, "Oh, the black one was bad, right?" So, he offered a racist version of the fable. What in the holy heck was going on here? And the one woman in this whole mix, besides me, recalled the essence - the swan had always been a swan, and acceptance of his beautiful self brought joy.
Within days of this duckling mystery, one of my sweet clients sent me a story about an eagle and a chicken. I'd never heard this version, but it was basically the ugly duckling with different birds. And, perhaps more powerful, because the story of the eagle wasn't based on beauty, but on its ability to soar!
Since this popped up again and again, I paused and reflected. What was happening here? Why was I receiving this message, when I believed my perception held the essence of each story with such clarity?
My marinating revealed a few things. The first applies only to me. Last year, during a "body-talk" meditation, led by Brian Weiss, I asked my body why it carried so much extra weight. What was the purpose, or learning, intended for me? The message I received, in a playful tone: "It's fun! And it reminds you to be BIG!"
The message struck me as a lightening bolt. My body voiced that it would remain BIG, until I truly remembered, and stepped into "being big" as who I truly am. The experience was no less powerful than "Aquaman" understanding the nature of The Ugly Duckling story. Within days of this meditation experience, I purchased my office (a step toward bigness). And, over the course of the year, I've been highly attuned to living this message.
Next, I noticed the shame stories I tell myself about the book project I'm working on. And, ironically, the stories spiraled into a storm after listening to a Brene Brown audio presentation. Given that she's a shame expert, I might have expected those voices would quiet down in the face of her wisdom...nope! They screamed at me: "What could you possibly have to say that hasn't already been said? Sure, you may be able to craft a short message once a month, but that's really different from holding space for a whole book. And based on reading it so far...well, yikes! If this body of work truly wants to emerge, shouldn't it be happening faster?"
Can you imagine how I feel when I tell myself these stories? Sometimes the fear washes through me as a tsunami - smashing me against the trees and leaving me gasping for air; while other times, it's a puddle I don't quite manage to dodge.
Whatever the intensity, I've learned to be with my fear (even when it's my inner terrorists at work) - allowing myself to feel whatever emotion arises, and through that practice, I expand my self-trust. Then, because I trust myself, the terrorists subside, and an inner voice of wisdom chimes in to say: "Joanne, you are writing this for you. It's in there, and asking for expression. Whatever time that takes is just fine, as long as you keep coming back to it. Because every time you sit down, a kind of healing happens - a remembering of the lessons you've learned these last many years - and it is through your experiences that you have come to know what you're writing. In a way, everything has been said before, and still, this is your voice. Joanne - your voice matters, even if you are the only one who hears it. In fact, you hearing you is what matters MOST! And, if fear arises, that's okay. It's human, and we can be with the depths of whatever emotion bubbles up."
This spiral and retrieval spotlighted a knowing that applies to all of us. Whether you are a duck, a swan, a chicken, or an eagle, you are a spark of the universe. You are meant to be here, and designed to be your true self.
In our lives, we all receive messages about who others believe we are, or who we are supposed to be. Many such ideas are imposed upon us when we are young sponges, soaking up the stimuli offered to us. In turn, we believe the stories - just as The Ugly Duckling and eagle did. Even when those, who originally implanted these limiting beliefs in our psyche, no longer have sway, we unwittingly adopt the messages; and we mistakenly chant them to ourselves as truths. It's a debilitating habit, and yet, we often carry this burden without conscious thought.
When we walk around believing we are "supposed to be" - or actually are - something we are NOT, we experience deep and lasting pain, until we step into our rightful place. Those steps happen one at a time, and the path unfolds over the course of a lifetime. If, once upon a time, you were the fish being told you weren't a genius, because you couldn't climb a tree, the unwinding of that ingrained message requires awareness, time, and practice.
I invite you to pause, and consider. What stories do you believe to be absolutely true about who you are, and how you enter the world? Jot them down - bring these awarenesses to your conscious mind. Now, allow yourself to wonder about each, "What if that's not true?"
This practice is a starting point - a bite. It's not the whole enchilada. You may find yourself arguing for your limitations, attempting to prove the validity of your duck identity, when you are a swan. You may be afraid to soar, as eagle, when you've lived your life pecking the ground as a chicken. Fear will arise. This is totally normal. Remember, not to believe everything you think, and you do not need to do this alone. I am here to support you, as are others, if you're willing to ask for help.
Opening the door to "What if it's not true?" or asking for help from a resource you trust, shifts the energy and encourages you to be the brilliant person YOU are - without the violence of comparison to others - free of believing you are confined by a label. You are not a single identity. You are not what someone else has decided you should be. You are not that limiting belief you've held as truth for eons. You are a myriad of miracles, magic, and stardust combined into a singular package. And the world needs you to show up as who you truly be!
With love,
Joanne Lutz
