Rubbing the Lamp
Mark and I have dear friends, with whom we conspire to use our four birthdays, as grounds for having fun. One beautiful August evening, after Norma treated us to a scrumptious dinner, we strolled the sidewalks of Boston to a secret destination. Only I knew of the mysterious gift event, planned as belated celebration of Walter and Mark's July birthdays.
We arrived at the Parker House, and I queried where "Miracles and Other Deceptions" might be located. Exiting the elevator found us in a long hallway, right out of "The Shining." Landing at the designated door, we awaited our VIP seating. With programs finally in hand, my three companions looked bewildered. "We're seeing a magic show?"
At the recommendation of my friend, Beth, we anticipated "The Close Up Magic of Paul Gertner." The venue couldn't have been much bigger than my living room. Assembled at a round, wedding-style table, we landed nearly in the magician's lap. Despite (or perhaps because of) the proximity, Paul astounded us again and again with his sleight of hand. Looking around, I saw jaws drop, smiles of wonder and delight, and the shaking heads of disbelief, while I called out "No!" because how could he be doing this?!
About half way through the performance, Gertner told a story of being a young, married man, desperate to appear on the Johnny Carson show. Paul had submitted a video of himself performing magic, and called Carson's office weekly to see if the man, himself, viewed it yet. This went on for months. Finally, Paul learned that Johnny had watched, and might be interested. They'd all just have to wait and see, because Johnny chose who came on the show.
Delighted by this progress, Paul set out to write a letter to Carson, pleading his case directly, so that he might have the opportunity to appear on the show. When Paul shared this plan with his wife, Kathryn, she said, "No, Paul. The question is, what does Johnny want? Ask that in the letter."
Johnny Carson loved magic, and fancied himself an amateur magician. Upon receiving Paul's letter (free of plea) Carson invited Paul to California to talk magic. They spent an afternoon at Johnny's Malibu home practicing delights and wonders together. Ultimately, Paul appeared on the show, and his career leapt to life.
I loved this story, though one aspect bothered me. In my experience, a giant step of vulnerability takes the form of asking for what you want. Whether you ask for a raise at work, help with the gardening, or a prayer for patience from the universe, each time we ask for something we want or need, we expose our soft underbellies. That, both, requires courage and facilitates intimacy. Did Paul ever ask directly?
Less than a week following Gertner's performance, I flew to Los Angeles to spend a couple of days with Rob Bell, and a group of inspiring folks seeking guidance to become more engaging communicators. "Something To Say," marked my first active pursuit of help with the book I'm writing.
In the few days between the magic show and arriving in L.A., I heard the voice of my Inner Guidance System (IGS) - a kind of spiritually connected voice (who sounds just like me, by the way, so it's taken lots of practice to discern between the voice of my head and my IGS) giving me two directives. First, "You must make yourself known to Rob." Second, "Ask him for additional help."
Eeek! Really? I think of myself as more of a witness-from-the-sidelines- and-absorb-the-wisdom kind of gal. True, I did volunteer to step on stage with Brian Weiss for a public demonstration of a past life regression last year, but my IGS chimed in, so what could I do? At that training, I'd just received the "remember to be big" message from my body, and raising my hand seemed like a way to dip a toe into those waters. Weiss had dozens of people interested in this coveted slot, so the odds were against me having to step up. Humorously, when he picked me, I looked behind me, thinking he must mean someone else, because being center stage is not my comfort zone.
I realized this directive, to reach out to Bell, might be more of the same. Damnit! So, I strapped on my courage and, ironically, asking for help in front of the group didn't seem scary. It was quite natural, and I found the experience that followed incredibly nourishing. Hooray! I completed my task.
"Joanne, you still need to ask him for additional help. It's true, you have no idea if he ever hires himself out for individual communications coaching - that's irrelevant. Ask." Ugh! The inner struggle was real. Still, at the completion of the workshop, I walked up to Rob and asked, "Do you ever work with people individually?" Ha, funny, as I write now, I realize, I attempted to sidestep directly asking the question...slippery!
He responded, "What do you want to work on?"
"The book," I explained. "I think there's more I could use your help with." And only now am I realizing I never straightforwardly asked, "Would you be willing to help me?" Oh dear! He didn't say yes or no. Well, why would he, given that I never asked for what I wanted. He suggested I reach out to him via his website, and we'd see.
I'm laughing now, because the stretch I intended to share, about being vulnerable and asking for help, never quite manifested. I think that's hilarious! In any case, with my mistaken belief that I'd already asked for Bell's help, I followed up with an email about 10 days later. I reiterated my interest in his guidance, still without coming right out and asking. Believing I'd already made my request once, I decided to take the Kathryn Gertner approach, and asked what I might offer to him.
To my utter disbelief and amazement, Rob responded within three days. He invited me to ask my "best question," and we'd take it from there. After completely freaking out..."Oh good lord, I didn't even ask explicitly, and help is still there for the asking - yowza!"...I sat with what the heck my best question might be - no pressure! I responded within 24 hours and haven't heard back.
So, I rubbed my magic lamp, and instead of three wishes, I received three lessons:
I've gotten better at asking for help. AND, I've still got a long way to go.
I continue to suck at receiving.
A reminder - when my Inner Guidance System indicates my one next step, it may not yield an expected result, and still I will learn something!
I'm no longer shaken by the "usual" unknown. Even when our cat, Clarence, edged toward death in January, his illness raised the question of whether I'd go to Mexico for our winter holiday. I embraced the waiting, until Clarence let me know his time on earth was complete. I knew it might involve canceling my ticket last minute, and willingly surrendered to an unfolding that honored how much I loved him. I perceive this inner-groundedness as a relatively new development - only in the past few years. I find, allowing space for the unknown, a far gentler way for me to live.
Then, I borrow Gertner's magic wand and approach Bell. But, when the abracadabra yields me getting what I want, I seem to jump out of my skin and melt into a puddle simultaneously. Quite the morphing source am I!
I'm quite entertained by my antics, and decided my stumbles were worth sharing. These are the places I'm learning to pick myself back up, and keep integrating:
My requests require clarity for me to operate with integrity.
When I'm offered what I want, I can still be thrown for a loop. Keep practicing!
I realize, every once in a while, I still have an expectation of what an outcome might look like. I believed, if I asked for help: I'd get it, I wouldn't, or he might refer me to someone else. It never occurred to me that a lesson would come from (sort of) asking, being offered a hand, and sensing that hand pushing me so far off my center. In turn, allowing me to realize - big receiving - is my growing edge. Such a gift!
Can you relate to any of this? Have you found yourself getting angry when your boss doesn't throw more money at you? Do you notice flags of irritation creeping up your skin when your partner fails to help in the garden? And yet, you've never made a request for either.
Then there's the acceptance of receiving what you asked for. Perhaps you've requested a coveted assignment at work and been granted exactly what you desire. Do you find yourself offering to stay late, to make up for getting what you want? Or maybe you've asked a friend to attend a scary doctor's appointment, and when they say "yes," you feel obligated to take them to lunch and a movie to balance the scales? Thereby, putting up a roadblock to graciously receiving with your whole heart.
Maybe you think you know what lesson you're meant to learn, and it turns out to be quite different? Perhaps the act of listening to my Inner Guidance System was last month's lesson. This month, once I listen and take the step, I'm on to accepting in a much grander way.
Can you see the traps? It's a pretty tricky business - this asking and receiving. Both require immense vulnerability. You may find it easier to get angry at the person who hasn't "seen" your request in their crystal ball. And even then, when the help you wish for is forthcoming, you may hide or push the other away to avoid exposing more of your soft underbelly. You might even feel betrayed by the universe for not giving you what you expected, when you took that courageous step forward.
I encourage you (and me!) to lean into more vulnerability in the face of fear. As I re-commit to living into the person my body believes I'm meant to be, I'm keenly aware of my need to practice more to up my game. Wish me luck! And may you, too, be willing to stretch your requesting, receiving, and surrendering muscles.
With love,
Joanne Lutz
