Ready, Set…No?
In a recent newsletter, published by Lissa Rankin, she said, "...be gentle with yourself. You can't hate yourself into change. You can't shame yourself into change. It just doesn't work."
As I have learned to be gentler with myself, I encourage the same in my clients. Reading Lissa's words, I remembered, with clarity, why this message is so important.
For a moment, consider what it feels like when someone you care about criticizes you. When you hear again and again that you're just not getting it right. How do you react to the people in your life who don't accept you as you are? Do you feel more ready to welcome change in yourself? Is your confidence bolstered and your choices more solidified by getting that kick in the butt?
Maybe that works for you. For me, I do occasionally need a nudge to manifest whatever I say I want for myself. However, I respond with greater confidence when the nudge feels backed by love. When I know that - whether I manage to get more exercise, take more risks, or trust in the unknown or not - I am still loved, still cherished, still have value, my willingness to take that next step is far greater. Which means, when I'm genuinely ready, I will.
When the message is laced with an agenda, "do this or I won't love you" or "do this or I'll leave you," I find myself selecting a few potty-mouth come backs, quickly followed by "you don't get to decide for me - my value is not based on whether I do X, Y, Z or not!" Sounds like an inner nine year old yelling, "you're not the boss of me!"
What Lissa specifically pointed to, though, related to self-acceptance, self-love, and self-gentleness. Here, "you can't hate yourself into change" rang a beautiful opera of bells. When we beat ourselves up for what we are NOT doing and SHOULD be doing, love and self-acceptance are far from sight. While we may believe we should change jobs, speak up for ourselves more, change our eating habits or be willing to ask for help, if we're not ready, the resulting bruising and battering simply leave us wounded and feeling less willing than ever. Think about it, from the place of not being ready, if you try, and fail, imagine how loud and mean the voice within will yell then!
If you're like me, the "should" pressure backfires. If both my willingness AND readiness have not met and found peace with each other, a cantankerous voice within simply says "@#$% off" to the internal judge. And since all of the voices in my head represent some part of me, I'm only expressing the expletive to myself. In turn, the self flagellation keeps me stuck exactly where I've been...or maybe even taking a step backward in an effort to duck the next blow.
The practice of gentleness and self-acceptance opens a wide space for potential. When I know I will love me - no matter what - I am free to fail. From that failure, who knows what possibilities may manifest. If I am unwilling to fail, the promise of what could be hides beneath a layer of shame. I wish I could tell you I've mastered this ability, but as I said, it's a practice.
Lately, when I awake each morning, before I even pull the covers back, I find myself saying, "I am enough. There is plenty of time. There is an abundance of money. I am enough." I remind myself of these truths, and ask the universe to affirm them. It supports my personal practice of creating space for readiness and willingness to meet. While I haven't tried it yet, Lissa offered this phrase as a request to the universe, "Change me into someone who is ready." I hope to remember that one the next time I hear the litany of self-judgment for whatever I believe I "should" be doing. Asking to be ready, feels much gentler than shoulding all over myself.
May you find the gentleness and self-acceptance within, and practice it daily.
With love,
Joanne Lutz