Living On The Ledge
When I was in my 20's I had a friend who would call periodically for me to "talk her down off the ledge." This was code language for "please listen to how I feel and help me to make sense of what's happening in my life." When I felt on the edge, I called her with the same plea. Every once in a while, though, I could sense in her voice a mirror of my own feelings...it's hard work to be responsible to bring someone back to safety.
Ever received one of these calls? A friend who's struggling with her husband; your brother who feels oppressed by his boss; or your child afraid that not going to the best college is going to be the end of the world...and when the call comes...what do you do?
If you're feeling as I did, your mission appears clear. Get him or her in out of the cold and into the safety nest only you can provide. So, off we go, how to accomplish this:
Option 1) Fix it! Find a way to solve the problem or explain how easily he/she can solve the problem by just...hmm...let's pause for a moment here. How do you feel when someone tries to tell you how easy it is to "fix" your problem "if you would just..." I don't know about you, but my teeth start grinding and I tune them right out.
Okay, let's move on to
Option 2) Pat on the head. "Oh, it will be okay, don't worry. It will all work out. You're getting all worked up for nothing." Actually, for me this one is worse than fix it. For me, it feels completely condescending when someone tells me not to feel what I feel. Clearly, no one is listening in this scenario.
Option 3) Help dig the hole that the jumper will land in. This is a case of "yes-ing" someone to death. Agreeing with all of the injustices, how the world is against them, and "the man" has really got control. You can almost imagine yourself watching Dexter and every so often picking the phone up to say, "yeah, I hear ya." Uggh!
In my 30's I experienced a paradigm shift relating to these calls. While the plea might be "talk me down from the ledge," the true request is: "hang out on the ledge with me and be present." This rights the universe on its axis; because, being present means there's nothing to do. I can sit on the metaphorical ledge with hot chocolate and a blanket, and know that my grounded presence creates an invitation for my friend to find his own ground. By listening, being genuine, noticing the patterns of what I hear, and tapping into my authentic curiosity, there is no action to take, nothing to fix, no one to rescue.
I encourage you to give ledge-living a try, rather than attempting to talk someone down off of it. This respectful exchange builds intimacy - even when it feels hard or scary. The connection to yourself and other becomes clean and clear, as each person remains responsible for her own feelings...his own journey.
Looking forward to warm nights on the ledge,
Joanne Lutz