Internal Compass
A few months ago I promised a piece about trust. I expected to write it several times; on each occasion something else came forth instead. Now I'm ready.
These last weeks, I have found myself struggling in ways I've not experienced for many years. A friend described it as this, "Joanne, it feels like you're on a boat, by yourself, in the middle of the ocean in complete darkness, and you have no compass." The image resonated strongly for me. Where is my compass?
Growing up surrounded by confusion and mixed messages... people loving me and disappearing...people hugging me and blaming me for their feelings at the same time, I developed a keen ability to "figure it out." If something could be puzzled through, I would. It felt like my very right to exist was dependent on making sense out that which could not make any sense at all.
It's a strange thing to be a child. We are so vulnerable and need the love and caring that others provide. Through that love, we learn to trust ourselves. We learn to trust the internal compass and navigate our way through the world by listening to our own hearts and feelings. Sometimes this means standing in our deepest knowing, even when it does not line up with the the experiences of the people we most care about and depend on. To learn that we deserve love, even when it feels like no one loves us, is a very powerful gift. At some very deep level, I am just fully accepting this for myself.
I am learning... I have a right to my feelings, even when they don't seem to make sense. I don't have to "do" anything to be worthy of love. I have a powerful internal compass in me that I stuffed in a drawer because I didn't know that the love inside of me was enough, and every time I feel that I can't trust someone, I am really saying that I don't trust myself.
Somehow, when working one-on-one with a client, I trust both of us. The rest melts away. If doubt comes in, I take a peek at my internal compass, invite my client to do the same, and we remain on course...whatever course is true in the moment...and great work happens. It's a good model for me to remember.
So, with my personal discovery, I will also encourage you. The next time you feel that you can't trust someone, check in with the part of you who will love all of who you are, no matter what. From that place, listen to your deepest, truest feelings...those that guide your internal compass. There really are no words for me to convey what an intense part of my journey this has been. Thank you to those who have loved and supported me through this experience, for letting me borrow your compass, when I didn't know where to find my own, and ultimately for helping me to discover the love and trust of my personal internal compass.
With trust and compassion,
Joanne Lutz