Finger Pointing

"Criticism and blame are addictions. They are costly addictions, because they are the number-one destroyer of intimacy in close relationships," according to Gay Hendricks, author of The Big Leap.

Think about the last argument you had with someone close to you. Did it disrupt the intimacy? Was there blame involved? Did you hear the words, "you make me feel..." come out of your mouth? Hendricks proposes, "Arguments are caused by two people racing to occupy the victim position in the relationship." While we may not consciously choose to wear the victim role as a badge of honor, we really fight to prove its truth!

Listen to the subtext..."you make me feel" = "you have power over me...if you had done it differently, I would be okay. Since you didn't, I am victimized by you." This dynamic occurs with something as simple as who does the dishes. "You make me feel like the maid, because you expect me to do the dishes."

Typically the defendant will race to claim the victim role for himself. "I always do the dishes. You could do them for once!" Translation: "Your power over me makes me the victim, not you."

That's a pretty remarkable power...making someone feel something. Think about it, even if I pinch you, I can't make you feel. I cannot cause you pain or anguish - your experience of my action is your own. I am simply not that powerful, no one is. You are responsible for your feelings; just as I am responsible for mine. So, why do we keep blaming each other?

If we believe Hendricks, it's because we're addicted to the behavior. I perceive that the addiction is an attempt to deflect a responsibility we feel personally; probably a responsibility we took on as a child. We want to charge someone else with the crime, because underneath, we believe it is our fault. "If you loved me, you would have done the dishes." "If you loved me, you wouldn't care if I did the dishes or not." "You must not love me...what's wrong with me?"

Let's make this personally relevant. I invite you to think of someone you'd occasionally like to bop on the head. Whenever you're around them you start to feel a little crazy, angry, or depressed. Now, take your hand and point your finger at them. Notice where most of the fingers are pointing...when I try it, I've got one finger going out and three coming back at me. Who are we really pointing the blame at?

Not so sure? For a single day, accept Hendrick's challenge to stop criticizing and blaming (this includes self criticism and blame). If you have no trouble letting go, it's not an addiction. But if you find, as the day wears on, that the finger pointing is creeping back in to your thoughts and conversations, maybe it's worth a little more attention.

With great compassion,
Joanne Lutz