Abundant Relationships
“Sometimes people just don’t get things right. Did you hear me? People sometimes don’t do the right thing...so, then you’re left deciding how you’re going to react to what they offer, because you can’t make them change.”
How much time do you spend wishing you could change the people you love? Even the simple things...if he would just put the dishes IN the dishwasher...if she would just kiss me good-bye...if he would only listen to what I'm really saying...if she would stop nagging me about that, then: things would be so much easier...I would be okay...we wouldn't argue so much, etc. Does any of this sound familiar?
Gay Hendricks, author of The Big Leap and co-author of Conscious Loving refers to this as "racing to occupy the victim position." From this place, we spend our energies blaming the other person, claiming to be a victim of their actions. (Read Finger Pointing.)
Of course, as 'Gran' states in the quote above, we don't have the power to make other people change. Our empowerment resides in our ability to respond to what is offered to us, rather than reacting in a familiar old pattern that leads us directly down the path to victim-hood.
Reacting is someone tripping you, and you returning the favor by punching them in the stomach. Your action is immediate and disproportionate to what has happened. You react from a place of memory - a time when you truly got hurt. "You almost made me fall you stupid jerk!" (PUNCH) This blaming reaction builds a wall between you and the other. And don't be fooled, YOU are building the wall. It's a defensive wall to hide behind, in an effort to avoid showing your vulnerability.
Responding is catching your balance, taking a breath, and speaking your truth. "Oooh, I just felt scared. I almost fell." When you respond you allow space and stay in the present moment. You take responsibility for your own feelings, and honor both yourself and the other by speaking what feels true for you - there is no blame. Through this truth, you create intimacy.
You've heard the cliché: the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. It provides the jumping off point for all other interactions. If you do not offer yourself the space and opportunity to speak your truth, you expect that no one else will, either. And with that fundamental belief, a damaging recurring pattern is set into motion.
Consider trying something new. Reflect on the abundance that speaking your truth creates. In that moment, you create space. You respect yourself and the person you're speaking to, because you are sharing your vulnerability. As we appreciate these moments, we let go of resentment and blame. Feel your body fill to the brim with gratitude for each opportunity you have to choose between reacting and responding, mindful that this challenging situation afforded you a choice, a possibility, to create intimacy and experience abundance.
With gratitude, we experience abundance. That abundance fills us, and extends beyond our corporal beings, like the warmth of the sun, sharing light and nourishment with those who trip across our path. Imagine their gratitude...that's a recurring pattern I'd like to be part of!
With appreciation and abundance,
Joanne Lutz