The Hugging Habit

Growing up, I mostly lived with non-huggers.  

My grandfather would occasionally scoop me onto the couch and tickle me blind, which I loved, but I truly don't remember any regular hugs. In fact, when my grandfather died, I recall being at my Aunt's house, and seeing my grandmother for the first time, since she'd lost her husband of nearly 40 years.  At 13, I opened my arms wide and gave her a big hug, and it almost seemed staged - like something out of a movie - because this was not something we did.

Through many years of personal growth work and coaching training, I learned the importance of bonding. This is the heart to heart connection, often beginning with mother and child, if you were lucky enough to have a mother grounded enough to see you as a separate being, and allow your heart and hers to meet in communion.

Many of us were not so lucky to have this most basic experience of physical love as babies (which sets the template for all the years that come after).

Some mothers deem their child a show piece, to evidence what good mothers they are. Others struggle to remain present, whether through illness, post-partum depression, fear, or a myriad of other reasons. In this case, the mom struggles with a state of inner chaos.  So, even if she enacts the heart to heart contact, both beings also experience loss and uncertainty, as there is no one present in the moment. There are mothers for whom the child is the most important thing, until another shiny object catches her attention. Then she's back and again the child is the most important thing...this energetic ambivalence about being a mom makes for a confusing bonding experience. Other mothers merge with their children - whatever happens for the child, dictates the mood and well-being (or lack thereof) of the mother. In this case, the heart to heart connection has no boundary. Where does the sense of one bodily being end and the other begin?

Here's what I know for sure: Every mom does the best she can with what she has within her (this is all true of father's, too!).  

There are so many judgments placed on women, about whether they make the choice to become a mom, and if so, how they mother. This writing is not about judging women, because even the "Mother of the Year" is not going to meet every need of her child. In some schools of thought, each soul makes a contract with other souls, in advance of coming into physical form. These contracts might say "Okay, I'll be the mom and you be the child, and let's see what we learn on this earth school." In turn, the occasions a parent falls down make up part of the growth journey for both beings.

I've also learned: Bonding Matters.  

Back in the day, when orphanages actively existed in developed countries, babies deprived of the heart to heart connection failed to thrive, and in some cases, they died. Writing this piece, I realized there might be some skeptics in my audience, so I looked for a couple of sources for this information. In Psychology Today, I found an article so similar to my assertions, it looks like I plagiarized the text! (I did not.) There's also data on several sites about the "Frederick's Experiment." This is a more actively diabolical and dramatic version of deprivation, yet it evidences the same results. For babies, no regular engagement and nurturing touch is a death sentence.  And, if the children survive, unless intentional, nurturing and healing touch becomes the norm, the resulting adults truly struggle.

Okay, so this is all rather depressing, right?

The other day, in the shower, I realized something.  

Despite all I've come to know and truly appreciate about a heart-to-heart connection, that lasts for three deep breaths, the social distancing edicts, instilled during the worst of the pandemic, have taken their toll on me. It no longer feels as natural to reach out and hug someone (or even shake hands).

I remember the day my step-daughter, Julia, and her boyfriend closed on their first house in Arlington. It was July 27th, and since the start of the quarantine, we'd all been diligent to mask and maintain six feet from one another. We only ever shared an occasional meal outdoors, across a huge table. When Mark and I visited, at the end of move-in day, I was so excited for this big step in Julia's life, I just had to hug her in love and celebration. We both got teary, since it was the first hug we'd shared in at least five months. For me, it was the first heart-to-heart experience I'd shared with someone - other than my husband - in a coon's age.

It might be worthy of note, prior to the pandemic, every in-person client session closed with a hug.  

I also gave and received hugs at the start and end of every friend visit. Yes, there was one exception to that friend list...maybe his name rhymes with "egg." But, even he could be cajoled into an embrace, as long as we didn't breathe too much. When I ran in-person workshops, after each person delved into a piece of personal work, they would choose a partner to bond with (fully clothed, non-sexual, heart to heart contact) - allowing the transformed energies to integrate and settle in, with a loving physical boundary.

I even briefly entertained the idea of becoming one of those people who stand at a busy pedestrian intersection, with a FREE HUGS sign. I always admired the folks in videos who did that sort of thing.

Now, nearly three years later, I have to consciously remind myself to reach out, allow that heart-to-heart connection, and breathe three full breaths. It's as though my old programming reared up and said, "Oh, I know how to do this social distancing thing! Welcome to all of my formative years."

So, for all of those little girls within me, who didn't get the touch to thrive they needed and deserved, I commit to remembering, now, the importance of renewing my hugging habit.

If you've been deprived of loving, non-sexual touch, you may be experiencing adverse effects from the absence.   

If you're like me, you may not have consciously registered: your out-of-sorts symptoms might be attributed to the hugging factor. Just in case - consider adding a hug into your daily routine (some data says four hugs is the minimum). Find a hugging buddy - just someone who is willing to make that heart-to-heart connection (which, by the way means left ear to left ear - many of us hug in the more protected stance of right ear to right ear...it still has positive impact, but to get the best bang for the buck, get your hearts aligned). Then, take those three deep breaths together. That's it!  It's a simple prescription with physical, mental, and emotional benefits. I invite you to try it on, and notice what shifts for you.

With love and a hug,

Joanne