Stealing Stuff

Joanne Lutz and her Dad (1997)

When I was in my 20's I used to steal stuff. Not illegally. The people I took things from were my friends, and they always knew about it, even if they didn't like it.

My attachment to other people's stuff was unwavering. Once I had my eye on what I wanted, I found a way to get it and hold on to it. I think it felt like I had a little piece of my friend, even when the actual person couldn't be with me. Kind of sweet, in a misdemeanor kind of way.

In fact, the ardent borrowing of others' "stuff" didn't begin and end in my 20's. I've been taking things as my own for many more years than that; I just haven't been as blatant about it. Instead of the Perry Ellis sweater I stole from Ted, I adopted an eating pattern from my maternal grandmother and snatched a scarcity mentality from my father. Different from the sweater, I haven't taken these things away from them, I've simply added them to my own way of being.

I believe the principle reason for taking these things remains the same. When we can't have people in the way we want or need them, we steal a piece of how we know them and make it our own. It's a way to have the people we love, and yet, the behaviors we select are usually the same ones we were exposed to that left us in need. It seems a bit twisted, doesn't it?

For example, because I love my dad, I took on his scarcity model. Because he loved his, my dad took on the rules and consequences offered to him in lieu of genuine connection. Guess what? They're the same thing...past down from one generation to the next.

From a place of love, I can give back the scarcity beliefs to my dad. They were never mine. It's not what connects us. My true connection to him is undeniable. I have this amazing life because he helped to create me. His blood runs in my veins, and the authentic love that is universal exists between us. There simply is no other way it can be.

I did eventually give Ted his soft, warm sweater back. I figure, if we can give back the things we like because we feel secure in ourselves, why not give back those burdensome behaviors we carry. The ones we carry in the name of love as a replacement for what we missed from the people we needed most.

I invite you to consider what you carry, because it is impossible to allow the genuine, inherent connection to blossom while bearing the burden. Most of us lug a few. They're not as difficult to recognize as you might think. Simply identify the hardest thing for you to accept about someone close to you. Whatever that is, there's a pretty good chance you manifest your own version of this same behavior - a kind of mirror. Now ask, are you willing to give it back to the person you learned it from to open yourself to the true connection that exists between you? This work takes courage - and I believe in you.

By the way, did I mention that I like your sweater? Don't worry...you can keep it.

With abundance,
Joanne Lutz