Rabbit Hole Teachings

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While facilitating the Costa Rica Retreat: Embracing Magic, I fell down the rabbit hole.

An important part of embracing magic includes allowing your untamed self to be present. All of those ways you tamp down your gifts, hide your glow, silence your voice...during this retreat, we consciously chose to release those controlling behaviors, and take a step toward who we truly be. And that, in itself, was magical (though there was lots of other magic, too!).

Then, the fourth evening of the retreat, I sat at dinner and told one of the participants to "Shhhh." Me. I did that. As they would say on Battlestar Galactica, "what the frack?!"

So, I taught the principle of being fully authentically present through practices, modeling, and with my words throughout the workshop...and then I "shhhed" someone?! Good grief! Humbling humanity strikes again.

A good friend, who has led many extended programs, warned me in advance. "At some point, you're going to fall down. It's not optional; it's the nature of these things. The key will be what you do next." She had a lot of faith in me, and assured me that I would be able to take ownership of falling, and clean it up. "And, Joanne, when you do that, it's going to become an important part of the work for the group. Both the falling, and the getting back up. That's where the learning happens. In the modeling that it's okay to make a mistake, take responsibility for that, and move through." Oh, lucky me, another life lesson...and in this case, I get to show off my vulnerability, discomfort, and triggered self to people who are paying me. Well, in a way, I guess that's what they were paying me for.

They didn't pay me for the moment of violence I injected into the space, but they did put their money down to witness, experience, and embrace magic. And each time we take ownership - true ownership - of feeling triggered and impacting another person in a painful way, it's like sprinkling a little fairy dust.

Over the past couple of years, I've been doing deep soul work around trust. My benevolent messengers have come in many forms. Each one, in some way, invited me to question whether I deserved my own trust. With every lesson, I learned to stand more fully in myself. So, of course, the lessons got more challenging and less easy to tidy up. Still, I stood. In the face of people who matter to me - people I love - I surrendered to my own knowing, and allowed that to be my guide. This resulted in changes in all of these relationships - some for the better, some not so much, at least not yet.

One friend said, "So, Joanne, looking at what you've been standing through, what lesson might be next. You know it's going to be bigger!" Thanks, man...uggh. I didn't know when he asked the question, but I realize now, the next learning included being the perpetrator - asking someone else to question their self-trust. God, it felt awful.

In the moment it happened, my client got it right away and called me on it. I acknowledged, but didn't apologize or take any real ownership. We just moved on, but the tension in the air was palpable. That night, I just didn't have it in me to clean it up. I was exhausted, and experiencing a hyper-sensitivity, that left me feeling vulnerable; I couldn't even conceive of where to start.

I went to bed with the intention to know how this fit into the retreat. I woke a few times during the night with insights. When dawn broke, I knew I needed the next two hours to sit and get clear between me and me, before cleaning this up with the group.

Different from any other day, I started our time talking about what happened the night before. I authentically apologized and took ownership for the violence I injected into our container of trust.

Then, two amazing things happened:

  1. This incident inspired us to look at the myriad of ways we perpetrate violence on ourselves and others, and we began the energetic process of letting go of those behaviors.

  2. The participants bravely stepped into their own places of ownership. Completely unsolicited, over the remaining days, the women stepped up and named when they had stomped on one of their fellow retreat mates. In each case, my heart opened more, as I witnessed the courage, vulnerability, and authenticity of each participant. To watch someone name how they perpetrated violence, take full ownership of that action, and apologize for any harm caused... is truly magical and has ripple effects of goodness and health through our culture.

You may wonder why this is the first experience I share with you, from this amazing adventure. It is this: falling into, and emerging from, the rabbit hole represents my greatest learning moment of the entire retreat. At this one time, I stood at my growing edge and had a choice to stretch forward or remain rigid. As with any exercise - stretching prepares us, by reducing tension and increasing range of motion. And stretch I did, whew!

With love and encouragement to be brave and take ownership,
Joanne Lutz

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Nothing But Now