Lunacy, Alaska

A few weeks ago, while listening to a work of easy going fiction, I experienced an "ah ha" moment. It's funny how things I "get" at one level, still have space to travel deeper down my internal elevator.

The book takes place in fictional Lunacy, Alaska. The town, comprised of about 600 human souls and a variety of wildlife, from moose to bears, contracts with a Baltimore police detective to fill the new position of "Town Sheriff." While the sheriff is the story's hero, it is a little noticed, ancillary character who triggered my moment.

"The Professor," who is an English teacher for a small compliment of high-schoolers, decides it's time to move away from Lunacy. He's a quiet man, no wife, no children, doesn't own a home, only has minimal students to instruct, because the town is so small, and yet as "Lunatics" learn of his resignation and impending departure, each person is touched by the potential loss.

Because he's only a filler character, he doesn't get a Jimmy Stewart, "It's a Wonderful Life" review of his effect on the world. In that way, he's just like the rest of us. Still, through the town mayor and others, we learn that he's written and published articles in travel magazines that gain the town summer tourists, which support the local businesses. The Professor also founded a book group, and provided a steadiness of calm to some of the other characters. He's an ordinary, imperfect being, unaware of his value and impact.

I wondered, "What would it be like to live in such a small town, unconsciously influencing the world around me in a potentially meaningful way?" So, I Googled small towns in the United States, and let my brain melt into the concept a bit. During this thaw, it hit me, why would I think that residing in a small town would increase my value and improve my ability to inspire others? I have many experiences that evidence the importance and impact of any one person. So, what's up?

Well this moment of awareness came on the heels of a challenging internal struggle - a crisis of faith - a couple of months interwoven with many dark threads. All of those threads were of my own making. Born of thoughts and expectations that needed airing out, and hopefully a bit of snipping...though the jury is still out on the success of that. Given the proper circumstances, I might fall down this well again. We'll see.

What's the scoop? From the time I started my coaching practice through last September, I always had a coaching group: in action, about to start, or in the planning stages. Group work - such an important part of my own development - stretched me, both as a participant and as a facilitator (and when facilitating, I am inherently participating!). The groups have included the six-month What's Next?! program, the Costa Rica Retreat: Embracing Magic, the Calling in the Muse retreat, and A Continuing Journey. This last group ran with some of the same members for five years, and in collaboration with the participants, we all agreed to journey on, opening new doors to growth, with our last session meeting September 2016.

The morning following "A Continuing Journey's" closure, I boarded a plane for a month-long adventure in South Africa. This would have been about the time of the originally scheduled South Africa Retreat, but through a series of circumstances, thankfully, that plan didn't come to fruition. That September day marked the first time of my professional coaching career that I had no group on hiatus, no group in the works, and certainly no active group of folks walking together on their paths of personal growth.

I found it strange, sad, spacious, and I committed to leaving the space open, until I felt truly called to offer a next group. Six months passed, and no call. I received notes of interest from potential participants for whatever I might offer next, but it came from outside, not inside. I felt a flood of information bubble up for future possible programs, from intentions, to practices, exercises, and possible musical support...yet, nothing for NOW...just filling up the tool boxes for someday.

In the expanse, I sought to keep the field clear of clutter, and realized, whenever I had offered a group opportunity in the past, even when I recognized the divine inspiration, I maintained an illusion of control with relation to timing. I never fully surrendered to what the universe might be asking of me. My ego-self would run with the idea, and determine the when. With practice, the "how-it-unfolded" parts were organic, and driven by meeting each moment - free of an agenda as to how the result may or may not match the original inspiration. I managed to table my ego for that segment, and allow myself to be a channel and servant for those participating.

The result: the work of the group experiences were profound and dynamic. The more I let go, the greater the healing. Still, most of the groups failed to fill my ego-version of capacity. If the maximum group was eight, I'd have five, six, or seven. If I intended for us to top off at six, there might only be two or three. True, regardless of the number of participants, we filled the time (and then some). So, if my eyes could see clearly, I'd realize that the group was, in fact, at capacity with whatever number signed up.

Well, this was all well and good, except for when I got caught, yet again, in my own agenda and expectations. And this, as I said, is what landed me on the dark side of the moon most recently.

After not leading The Divinity Adventure in South Africa last autumn, I received a few inquiries about whether I'd offer it again this year. Then, in early March, someone unexpectedly told me, "I want to do that South Africa Retreat with you!" For some reason, the energy felt different inside of me. While not fully explainable, it hit a tone of resonance that brought me to wonder whether NOW might be the time to invite folks to share a group experience.

So, I picked up my pendulum, as dowsing is one of the ways I connect with the spirit ribbon of energy that flows within me and throughout the universe. It might be noteworthy to share, for ages before this, any time I would pick up my pendulum to check in about something, I would receive the message that I could not ask (at least not via my pendulum).

It would go a little something like this: "Show me yes. Show me no. May I ask about...leading a group...where to go for a holiday...what to eat for lunch?" The pendulum swing indicated, "No. No. No." "Is there anything I'm allowed to ask about?" "No." Grr...down goes my pendulum, and off I go to seek another way to tune in, or simply accept that it was not the time for me to know an answer to that question.

Then came that inner gong of resonance. What the heck, let's try dowsing again. "Show me yes. Show me no. May I ask about offering a South African Retreat?" "Yes." Wait, what? The last time my attunement with the pendulum aligned had been several years before, when I sought to understand what next step to take with The Consciousness Collaborative (the answer was to shut it down). So, I asked the question several different ways, and each time, the answer clearly spoke to the "Yes" of extending this offer.

Through work with a spiritual medium, I've learned that the universe sends the people I'm meant to work with. It doesn't really matter how many promotional materials I create and send; how excellent the program might be or not; or even where I intend to host it. The forces, far beyond my limited comprehension pull together whatever combination of people will serve the individuals and the wholeness of the group dynamic. This eases a remarkable amount of pressure from me, as long as I lean in and trust.

After asking about timing, pricing, and how best to let people know about the offering, I set the intention of operating with integrity and obedience. Even when I thought what my spiritual guidance tool asked of me seemed WAY WEIRD, I surrendered to what I perceived as the universe's request, and followed-through. This meant I personally invited people who had never expressed an interest in cheetahs, South Africa, a retreat of any kind, or even any interest in working with me as a coach. It felt incredibly awkward and definitely stretched my comfort zone. Still, given that my spiritual vehicle pointed me in the direction of offering this retreat, at this particular time, I believed the universe would coalesce the people who were meant to participate, as long as I practiced from a place of obedience and integrity.

In pretty short order, one person signed up, and many others conveyed interest. Some of the latter really shocked me, but I stayed open to whomever this retreat would serve. And then, one deadline passed...and another...and as the final registration deadline approached, and only this one brave soul had signed up, I started to wonder what the heck had happened!

I thought I'd been obedient. It was certainly my intention for this to be true. I believed I'd followed through, in accordance with what the universe asked of me. So, where was the group? We'd both already purchased our flights, and yet, we were the only ones signed up...wait, what? But, all of those people who expressed interest...and the weirdo things I'd done, because I believed I was surrendering...huh...

Within boiled feelings of anger, sadness, and fear. What the f*ck was the universe pulling here? This was no group! The money certainly wouldn't work! I fell deep into a morass of self-judgment and shame. I got stuck there, trapped in a dark cell, like Meg Murry's father on Camazotz (A Wrinkle in Time). My strident attachment, to what I believed the future held in store for me, caused me enormous pain and disconnection, when I discovered my beliefs were false. The crisis of faith hit me like a tsunami, shattering all the pieces of my being, never to be reassembled in the same form (at this point, I can say, hopefully for the better, but it's been a treacherous journey getting here).

I sought help from my many established resources, and stretched to include more, because something must support me moving out of the dark cell and back into myself. I got a glimmer here and there, but mostly, I just hoped I would be able to serve my regular clients without getting in the way of what they needed. During this window of time, my husband and I traveled on holiday to Italy for a week; despite the amazing food and views, I was in a gray haze. On the way back, our flight was delayed by five hours. Fine! Just a little more time before facing the music, and deciding what must happen next.

Do I cancel the retreat? Do I explain the situation to the person committed to going, and ask what they want? Do I even want to go? Should I just go alone again? Putting the decision off for five more hours was certainly no hardship, despite knowing that the folks in South Africa had expected a head count from me at least a week prior.

After returning home, and continuing with my support team to help find my space of alignment within again, I remembered a message I'd received through the spiritual medium over a year before. If even one person benefits from an experience - whether it's something I've written, some kind of travel, a sort of workshop, whatever it may be - in the spiritual realm, this is considered a success. I knew then, that the one person could be me. In fact, one of the people MUST be me. I must be touched by, grow from, be enlivened through whatever it is I offer to another - even if I am the ONLY one.

This message hit home again, at deeper level, through my "crisis of faith," particularly when I listened to the impact of the Professor in Lunacy, Alaska. When I finally had enough clarity within to know I could go on this retreat (or not), with another (or not), and be okay, I wrote this to the participant: "...if you and I go to South Africa together, we will both be impacted by the experience in ways we cannot know or foresee. We will bring ourselves to the animals, the land, and the people (including each other), and we will impact all in ways we cannot foresee (basically, it's not our business to know all aspects of our value)...First, though, I feel it's important for you to have the opportunity to check in with yourself to see if you are willing to be a part of a group of two - with me being the only other...so, this is the first homework. I've done mine, and I'm in!"

This courageous being wrote back, "So I've been sitting with this for a few days now as you suggested. To be honest it would be very easy for me to back out as the closer we get, the more nervous I am getting. However, I am still very excited, and would be disappointed if I didn't go. Also, my pendulum is still indicating that I should go. So, I'm in if you still are!"

Upon receiving this, I contacted my friend in South Africa to make sure she'd still be on board with only two volunteers. Her answer was a resounding, YES! And she sent me exciting news and a few photos. Three cheetah cubs were born on July 17th - two days before I heard back that we were all in. There have not been cubs at the Dell Cheetah Centre for four years, but we get to meet and hang out with these beautiful, miraculous beings. How extraordinary is that?

And, lest I believe I understand and can predict anything...because of the five hour flight delay on my return home from Italy, I just received a wire transfer, more than reimbursing me for my European flights. In effect, paying for my flight to South Africa. So, it's still true, my mind, while creative and sharp, has limitations for the possibilities available to me. It's not for me to comprehend in advance, let alone attempt to control. We'll see if this knowing sticks!

Perhaps you can relate to some aspect of this lengthy prose? Maybe it's the attachment to the agenda...perhaps the belief that you've done something wrong if things don't turn out as you expect. It could be that you, too, are called to practice some obedience - regardless of the weird factor. I wonder if you've forgotten that you are not meant to know what impact you have on the world? Maybe you know a version of the depths of despair I experienced? Or perhaps you've forgotten that if something you do or engage in supports ONLY YOU, it has value and is a success. Then again, it could be that you're well versed in the practice of surrendering the outcome - being open to all manner of possibilities - and in that you may celebrate how things are coming together for me and person with whom I will share this Divinity Adventure.

Whatever the case, thank you, dear reader, for walking with me on this journey. May you find gentleness in your own discoveries, even when the days seem dark.

With love and a little lunacy,
Joanne Lutz