Kicking & Screaming

Welcome to my personal growth tantrum. Lest you have any notion that I do not experience such things, because coaching is what I do for a living, I share with you now...I only wish!

So, I invite you to bear witness. I suppose, really, the invitation extended allows a view through the window, because there is a part of me - a spectator within - hogging the front row.

How do I know when I reach my growing edge? My resistance rears up like a horse throwing it's rider. And from a place of fear, I become paralyzed. Far different from getting still, which is a meditative state that I enter by choice, this paralysis seems to grab me by the throat and the only words that come out are like those of Kreacher in the Harry Potter series, "won't, Won't, WON'T!"

What could possibly illicit such a dramatic reaction? The universe is inviting me, nudging me, hip checking me into going deeper - taking my own journey to the next level - and I'm terrified of getting it wrong.

I remember a few years ago, my husband worked with a Tony Robbins coach for a while. One of the questions she asked: "Is it more important for you to be right, or more important NOT to be wrong?" While my husband guessed I'd need to be right, the fact is, I barely tolerate being wrong - getting it wrong - and living with the feelings that come with feeling wrong.

Of course, life's ironies abound, because I regularly guide clients to embody that they can't get it wrong. A part of me has learned this applies to me, too, but another part holds tightly to the right/wrong model. Where in that model is the freaking Third Option, though?

So, I'll keep my life small and manageable, with minimal risk. That should work. It did work! Until I got a taste of what's outside the box. What it really looks like and feels like to trust in myself enough to know that I will be okay, even if it feels hard. I've sampled the magic of not knowing and opening to possibilities far greater than I could have imagined. And now I'm stuck.

I can't seem to cram myself all the way back into my box of safety, where I know how to do what I know how to do. And yet, at this moment the prospect of fully living into the unknown terrifies me. So, I'm just going to sit here - right here - kicking and screaming my "won't" until it all goes away. I'm pretty sure that will work, right?

Hmm...how interesting it is to watch myself do this dance. I feel such a sense of curiosity roused. I also experience a sense of compassion for the youngest part of me, who could only manage safety by attempting to control the world around her. For that younger me, there were choices that truly could feel wrong, because the backlash genuinely hurt, and I didn't have the resources to manage.

I'll admit, next to the witness, a voice of judgment also bubbles up. That voice that keeps me trapped right where I am, because in my time warp of fear, the judge attempted to create safety through the status quo. "At least you know how to manage this situation. You know what steps to take, and what the likely result will be. Go with that, you idiot, otherwise you'll screw it up." Nice, eh? It sort of worked for me once upon a time, but where is the magic in that voice? Where is the room for a more spectacular experience than I have yet imagined?

A part of me knows, the path is to jump and trust the net will appear. Shit! I'm not quite there yet. I have a little more foot stomping and holding my breath to do first. In the meantime, I'll watch and tap into the feeling of wonderment, as it arises. Because, truly, only the one who notices will be able to make the leap.

If you've ever been on this step, welcome to my tribe. You, too, are human. I found this Oprah clip to be a good reminder of the truth. I can't get it wrong. It's impossible to fail. Every step is a learning opportunity, moving me toward my highest and greatest good. I only need to be willing to see and take that one next step.

Because the universe possesses a twisted sense of humor, the space I'm in now is so very much what the Costa Rica Retreat: Embracing Magic addresses. When folks sign up, I tell them, "Since you've taken this step, the universe will conspire with you to prepare you for this retreat. " Clearly, my current tantrum illustrates the point, as I, too, must prepare to support those coming. Yay for me. Life is funny!

With love from the front row,
Joanne Lutz