Half The Story

Can you tell what it is? I think the truth is more evident through the lens of my camera!

Glancing out my window a few days ago, I caught sight of a creature in my yard, that had no apparent right to be there. My first thought was "armadillo???" That couldn't be right! Armadillos don't live in New England. But what creature possessed such a long snout and that scaly-looking exterior? Then the head popped up...oops, I had the wrong end of the feather on that one! Cracked me right up, and reminded me, how often I might go down a mistaken path of explanation to make sense of something, when I only have half the story.

Here's another example of that same diabolical creativity in action. A few years ago, my husband and I moved to a single family home near the Woburn Country Club. The property sits up a ways from the parking lot of Fairways restaurant. Our move took place in Autumn, so I'd see lots of folks walking to and fro. Some groups of women regularly appeared to meet for a little exercise, and most surprising of all were the many, many men pushing baby carriages. I remember living near a park in Medford a good 15 years ago, and women walking children in strollers were a common sight - but SO many MEN! I thought it was totally cool...until I caught a glimpse of these nurturing fathers from a different angle...and then I realized they were pushing golf carts - not babies.

I love these humbling and humorous illustrations of what I think I know, until the truth is revealed. Maybe you know this one? How many times have I seen a look on someone's face after I made a comment or asked a question, and attach a meaning to that look? Life is constantly reminding me, even when turkeys and men with golf carts aren't readily available, how important it is to remember: "I do not know what someone else is thinking or feeling, unless they tell me."

Living with a schizophrenic mom for the formative years of my life, it's not shocking that I would be on the lookout for any nuance of difference in a person's mood. Back then, my antennae, always set to full alert mode, sensed the slightest displacement of emotional air, because I needed to feel safe, and the person I relied upon to create that safety, didn't have the capacity to do so. So, I manufactured these safety nets - using all the gifts I possessed - to feel more control over my environment. The tricky thing, of course, is that I was never in control. If I was at risk, I only masked my ability to see it, by creating an illusion I could manage.

This worked, sort of. Okay, it never worked, but I believed it was working, so that was the next best thing. Creating an illusion of safety felt better than the terror of no safety whatsoever; however, the system went haywire. You know all of the sci-fi stories where the computers begin to run the world? Well, that's what happened with my personal safety operating system. I started seeing danger, judgment, and even interest where none existed.

The system that previously allowed me to walk toward the edge, believing I knew what dangers might lie ahead, began to paralyze me. I would be so certain that a person didn't like me, or was angry with me, because of "that look," that I either instigated an argument with them or stayed away ("I don't need that crap!"). I got myself into relationships that I believed were based on what I could do for someone, instead of who I was...and then...when I no longer wanted to buy them groceries, give them rides, or be the comforting ear, I walked away. It just never occurred to me that any of these people might enjoy me, without my advice, car, or shopping bags.

An actual armadillo

Again and again, I saw the armadillo or men with baby carriages, but I never realized it. I remember those first steps of working with this belief dynamic. I learned to begin by asking: "what is my part in this?" My conviction about my perceptions being "THE TRUTH" never allowed me to even entertain the possibility that I was contributing to the dynamic. The argument happened because they got mad. I had to leave the relationship because they expected so much from me. Talk about racing to the victim position!

Slowly, I allowed myself to enter the picture. To see what beliefs and constructs I held as truths, and recognized, I had been responding to the beliefs instead of the TRUTH. This opened up a world of freedom for me. I started doing what I wanted, when I wanted. If I felt inspired to buy lunch for a friend, I did it - no strings attached - not held by the notion that this was the price of admission for friendship. When someone didn't call for weeks at a time, instead of making up a story about why they might be upset with me, I called and asked how they were doing - because I wanted to know how they were doing - not because I needed to make amends in some way. And, when we talked, if something still seemed out of sorts, I asked about it, instead of automatically believing the script in my head.

Image from Pixar's "Inside Out"

All of this shifted my world, and this was just the first step. Next, I became more in touch with my own emotions. Maybe I felt sad/angry/afraid when my husband didn't respond positively to a suggestion I'd made. But instead of being with the feeling, I made it about him! Welcome to Round 2 of my perversion of creativity. All part of the effort to maintain my belief that I possessed a kind of control that simply didn't exist! As I stepped (and continue to step) into taking responsibility for my own emotional state - allowing that, accepting it with love - I am freed further! I am no victim to the whims of others, when I honor my own emotional weather. It's incredibly empowering!

In April, I took myself away for a week-long personal retreat. There was no "reason" for this - meaning, I wasn't depleted, I didn't need a break from my life, no crisis had popped up. I just responded to an inner call to get still and replenish in all the corners of my being.

Here's what already knew: "I do not know what someone else is thinking or feeling, unless they tell me. I am fully capable of being with my own emotions, and doing so creates greater trust between me and me." And what I'm living into, that bubbled up from my retreat is this: "Because I'm sharing the energetic field with other people, they will impact me."

I've long known that I am not responsible for how someone else reacts to what I do. I have an impact, but another's response is their own. Over these years, I've learned that it's powerful to take responsibility for my own thoughts, beliefs, and feelings, rather than projecting those on to someone else. And from that dawns the recognition that others will still impact me. My husband's mood, though not mine to fix, nor about me in any way, still has the ability to stir my own pot of feelings. There is no blame in this experience. He's not at fault for what I feel - after all, would I really want to give him the supreme power over MY feelings? Yikes! And yet, I am touched by him...and my friends...and my clients...etc. because I care - because we are sharing the same field. I am not immune to feeling, just because I don't "react." I may not enjoy what I feel, but with my nifty up-to-date tool box, I know I am okay to feel it - to be with it - even when I don't know what it's about.

Life is full of miracles. For me, this latest, subtle realization is one of them. How does this relate to the turkey (in case you missed it, the 1st armadillo was actually a turkey!)? For a few moments, I shared the field with the turkey. First I made up a story about what I saw. Then I got clarity, and accepted the feelings of fear and joy that had been stirred. Finally, I did not blame the turkey for my feelings, and yet, I see clearly that the turkey had an impact on me. And then life went on.

With love and gratitude,
Joanne Lutz