Great Expectations
On a recent visit to Florida, I learned that June is "Romance Month" in Miami. Literally, there are signs posted to tell you it's true. As evidence, I witnessed no fewer than six wedding ceremonies during my five day stay. And those were just the weekdays! I knew none of the folks getting married, and still there is a kind of intimacy inherent in witnessing two people extending a hand of commitment to one another.
Of these weddings, it is the first that calls my attention to share. While I lounged by the pool, I spied the bride in all her finery, wearing a wide smile as she made her way to the beach, trailed by two photographers for a pre-ceremony shoot. Later, from the hotel room, I caught the exchange of rings while the couple was surrounded by a small group of loved ones. And the next morning, as the bride walked through the lobby, she looked absolutely miserable.
I could make up a million scenarios about what happened between the toothy grin and the teary-eyed, solitary walk through the lobby, but they would only be my musings. Rather, curiosity stirred a question in me, "What expectations did the beaming bride have that might not have been met?"
How many times do we set ourselves up by virtue of our expectations? From "the wedding will be the best day of my life" to "if I ask him to pick me up from the train station, he'll just say no" to "if I do this for her, then of course she will thank me" to "my child will be happy because..." And what do all of these notions have in common? Each one disregards the present moment, holding an agenda for some future happening.
When we have an agenda, we stop being with what IS.
So, why is this a problem? Well, maybe it doesn't have to be, yet it often results in hurt feelings, trying to "fix" something, or a sense of failure. All of these are absolutely on the human spectrum, so if you know this one, you've got plenty of company. However, if you're finding that holding great expectations, whether positive or negative, has not been working for you, I invite you to try something new.
First, notice that you have an agenda. And if the moment passes, notice in retrospect. In fact, in the beginning, noticing what already happened will likely be your starting point. With practice, you may learn to bring your attention to the expectation the moment it arises.
Second, tap into your curiosity. Ask: What investment do I have in this expectation? What story am I making up about the results of this scenario? And how does that serve me? Ask these questions with great gentleness and self-compassion. If you inject judgment, the process will be short-circuited. Because, who wants to ask the question only to feel shame about wanting?
Third, give yourself a bit of space to imagine being at peace, no matter what happens. Feel the possibility of safety and wholeness, even if: your child flunks out of school, no one ever says thank you, regardless of how he responds about picking you up at the train station, and even if you and your new spouse get into an absurd argument on your wedding night. Knowing that you are still okay, and that you are deserving of love and good things, even if you don't always get what you want, creates safety.
To build this muscle, I suggest trying an exercise from Supercoach, Michael Neill. Twenty times a day, make a request for something that you want. Ask for big things, little things and outrageous things, whatever you want. Here's the key: you must be willing to have no investment in the outcome. Whether you ask your spouse for a hug or to take out the trash, you must first find the space in you where you will be okay, no matter how they respond. Before you ask for a raise at work or a testimonial from a client, uncover the clarity within that knows you will be whole and at peace, regardless of the result of your query.
You may find that you get a lot of what you ask for... then what? Well, that's a separate column. Simply know, when you aren't holding great expectations or assigning meaning to the outcomes, you offer yourself space to enjoy what you receive, even when what you receive is the answer, "no."
With agenda-free love,
Joanne Lutz