Best Date
About a year ago, I participated in a 5-day intensive retreat with 50 other women. A month ago, I learned that one of them plans to marry - herself! I love this idea. The notion of first making a commitment to, learning about, moving through the hard times with, and experiencing joy with self, for self, feels so very right to me. Who better to marry?
It reminds me of when I was single and would take myself out on dates. Turns out, I still love going out on dates by myself, but I'll admit that I sometimes forget to put my own name in the roster when making plans. It's often by default that I will find myself with nothing to do, and then realize, wait, I love this sacred time, and then make the most of it. Whether going to a movie alone (which means no one talks to me during the film...you people know who you are!), treating myself to dinner, or reading a ridiculous book with the cats curled around me, I enjoy my own company. And really, who better than me to do so?
While I have no plans for a self-mating ritual, I will be leaving in a couple of days for my first ever international holiday - alone. While in Costa Rica in 2012, inspiration flickered for leading a retreat to the Caribbean coast of that beautiful country some time in the future. A few months ago, the wind caught the flame and birthed a full fledged outline for a "New Beginnings Retreat." To make the dream a reality, I realized, I need to do some on-site research, and have an experience myself that might mirror what I intend to offer to others.
Then waves of fear washed over me, dampening my excitement with held breath and "what ifs." With each wave, I reminded myself to take a deep breath, and reflected upon how much I love the jungle, the monkeys, the chord that sang within me of abundant creativity, simply by being present in that foreign land - even if I never host the retreat, why wouldn't I want to embark on this adventure? And even as I write this, I can feel the thrill, of whatever may come, race through my veins. Zing!
Through this process, I gave myself permission to be afraid. I'm doing something I've never done before; it's natural to feel some apprehension, even if it's something I want. I get tripped up, though, when I don't like the answer - meaning, when I disapprove of my own truth, and in turn dismiss it.
Have you ever done this one? You can feel that something is off. If you're honest with yourself, you may get to the point where you recognize the "off" as fear or anger or sadness, but your first reaction is to dismiss that or cover it up with whatever you perceive to be a more "acceptable emotion." Then, if your willingness to acknowledge how you're feeling extends to a curiosity about why, you go on to reject that notion, because "that's ridiculous" or "that's just dumb" or "why would that be the case?"
Well, for me, I was willing to acknowledge the fear. Good start. Then I fought for a while with why I would be scared. Once I finally accepted my own truth, I thought the fear might go away. It did not. Hmm...is this how it is supposed to work? Turns out, sometimes the fear just is what it is, and it's okay to be with it. In fact, in my case, I think it has been imperative for me to hang out in this fear limbo, because it has not been incapacitating, and is likely what retreat participants will experience before joining me on a future journey. I can truly only hold the space, if I know what it is to walk the path. That's a huge component of The Consciousness Collaborative philosophy, good to be living it.
Then, about two weeks ago, it hit me - this is just me going on an extended date with myself. I don't know exactly what it will look like, and the full range of human emotions may move through me, as I explore, and all of that is okay. In fact, who better to experience it with, than me? In a way, it is my own new beginning - quite exciting!
May you enjoy a date with yourself soon,
Joanne Lutz