A 13th Step
For anyone familiar with the colloquialism of the 13th step of a 12 step program - what I speak of is NOT THAT! What I offer, though, may be equally controversial to any person supported by the traditional 12 steps. If you don't want your feathers ruffled, you may wish to stop reading now.
I have clients and friends who have, and do, participate in 12 Step recovery programs. The value of these support networks is undeniable; however, I have also come across a theme that disturbs me.
Here's the message: "I am an addict." Then there's the subtext: "There is something wrong with me. I am broken in some way. I have something in my DNA that is faulty. Therefore, I am an addict." Here's the truth as I have seen it again, and again, and again. YOU, no matter who you are, 12 step program or not - YOU are NOT broken. There is NO THING wrong with you. And in my experience, we are all "addicted" to something, it's just that sometimes it looks prettier or less specific than others.
This "something wrong with me" premise, woven through all of the teachings in a subtle, yet foundational belief kind of way, leaves my clients spending countless hours trying to convince me that this gospel is truth - until they create enough space within themselves to see that the principle is false. The road to knowing your own wholeness can be challenging under the best of circumstances. Being told, in any form - from a parent, a teacher, a program, or ourselves - day after day, that you are less than perfect and loveable, exactly as you are - causes unimaginable and insidious pain and disconnection.
Addictive behavior is born as a protection. Whether you are protecting yourself from feeling pain, sadness, fear, anger, joy, wonder, excitement, curiosity, or any of the other myriad of feelings we experience as vulnerable humans, once upon a time, the intensity of those feelings was untenable, and in all likelihood, you sought out a means of survival through addiction. I know it's counter-intuitive to view any excessive behavior as a survival mechanism, because the addiction itself could kill you, but at least you get to have the illusion of control over it. This out of control "control," in the moment feels safer than whatever overwhelming feelings might drown you.
I believe the programs work, because they invite you to be part of a community. Whatever you may be facing, you no longer have to face it alone. And for many of us, that is a brand new experience. If, for example, you faced a parent's drunken rage as a child, you were alone in it. No matter how someone might have tried to protect you, or however you might have sought to hide yourself, or confront the situation with your own rage, no one had your back in the way you needed them to. And within that experience is a buried treasure of learning; however, first, we need to be ready and able to face the terror - the sadness - the helplessness of that childhood experience.
When no clear path of safety allows those emotions to be felt, we reach for a protection to shield us from what we cannot be with. In my favorite new TED Talk, Johann Hari explains that we bond with our drug of choice, when there is no human to experience true connection with. Whether we become addicted to alcohol, food, drugs, sex, electronics, shopping, control, drama, being a victim, being a hero, or whatever your particular addiction may look like, we seek to survive that which has felt unsurvivable.
Depending upon your unique brand of addiction, you may say that you didn't feel any of those challenging feelings - you just wanted to have fun, and that triggered the family genes within that caused you to be an addict. Here's the thing: it is possible to be in so much pain or feel so judged by what you've felt, that it is no longer permissible - no longer safe - to have and express emotion. So, those feelings get buried, hidden away, so deeply that even if they are your OWN feelings, a kind of disassociation happens. In effect, you may not even be aware of what you're feeling, and to keep them out of sight and out of mind, we tug on the blanket of our chosen addiction to cover up the mess.
If you've ever participated in a 12 Step program, I commend your courage. The programs truly do have value in supporting a shift in self-care. And as I said earlier, the benefit of community is huge, and one not afforded to control freaks or hero wannabes (I don't think they have such programs for hero wannabes). What I offer to you, dear reader, is a 13th step (which may lead to a 14th and 15th step) - begin to know that there is NO THING wrong with you. The balm you once reached for no longer (and perhaps never did) serve you, as you wished it to. Still, you did the best you could at the time, and you are still here to learn more. You are a miracle - a spark of the creator - regardless of your experiences.
As you begin to honor yourself with the deep knowing that you are perfect, exactly as you are, and that the challenges you have faced - and may still face - are part of your journey to self-love and self-acceptance, celebrate. Celebrate that there is NO THING wrong with you; there never has been. And courageous soul that you are, find the bravery within to feel the feelings that have been buried for so long. Within them is the treasure of your vitality - the treasure of your fullness.
I've said it many times: I engage in control freakery. It is one of my addictions. This has NO relationship with being broken. I am a whole being, with leftover survival mechanisms that still get activated, when I feel lonely or frightened. I'm a work in progress. I think that's one of the lines from the programs: "Progress, not perfection." I'd actually argue that we are all exactly where we are meant to be in this moment, even if it's uncomfortable, and in that way, it is perfect - we are perfect. True, too, is the perfection of progressive awareness and acceptance of your true being.
With love and acceptance,
Joanne Lutz